日本語/English/Čeština

03.2022

I took care not to miss the few sunny days and went out a little more often. It is as if I myself am gradually approaching spring. In this way, we foolish people shed the gloomy cold and forget the weight of winter over and over again.

At the same time, two whole years have passed since the unprecedented absurdity that visited everyone equally. While we find ourselves in the middle of a situation that is changing at a dizzying pace, resignation and forgiveness are accelerating even at this moment. It may seem contradictory, but we are still in a situation where one unpredictable thing after another is happening one after another. And yet, the world is surely gradually becoming dominated by gentleness.

There was a time, indeed, when I observed my own beliefs with a skeptical eye. The reason I cannot clearly recall the moment I overcame it is probably because it was not a big transformation, but an accumulation of small changes. I am composed of what I have accumulated. Nothing more, nothing less. That is why that is fine. There is value in the continuation of the past, and the continuation will become the value of the future. I can say that now with pride.

In my not-quite-long life so far, however, I have already experienced countless encounters and partings. This is not a remarkable item for me, as I have always believed that there should always be an appropriate distance between oneself and others. Especially in the country where I was born and raised, there is a certain amount of time when one’s environment changes noticeably. No matter how much we wish for it, no one can change its fate, just as no one can stop a tree from blooming and shedding its leaves. Besides, it always comes suddenly. So I thought I was used to it. I thought I had long since discarded all sentiments.

The reason I had to change my mind was that my position had changed. Looking back, I now realize that until now I had mostly left someone behind in a particular place and seen off by them. However, for some unknown reason, the number of people I see off has increased significantly in recent years. At the same time, this means that new encounters await us, so it is nothing short of pure joy. However, there exists a slight but definite feeling of loneliness in me. The chemical reaction that occurs with the end of winter by combining existing senses. It is the moment when I realize that I am the only creature on earth with feelings. Even if I am, I just accept it with a sense of calm.

 

02.2022

How many times have I been battered by the painful, bitter cold? And how many times have I learned that I love winter in response to the bitter cold, but to the point of being appalled by it? Nevertheless, I cannot stand the coldness of the outside air, and I spend more and more time at home. In proportion to this, the time I spend confronting myself has naturally increased as well. Needless to say, I have already been going nowhere and seeing no one for a while, to the point of feeling faint. Yet, to my surprise, I am sure that I have been waiting for this moment for a long time.

In other words, while immersing myself in solitude, here I am again, experiencing an unbearable separation. I never doubted that loneliness and separation do not coexist, but I never know. The act of forcibly pulling apart and letting go of parts of my body that had become adhered to me was terribly upsetting. However, even though I was so distraught that I lost control of myself, I further realized again to myself that I was always looking at myself from a somewhat bird’s eye view. It is a wide, wide space that I once had too much of and kept struggling with how to fill. I am sure that I can make good use of it now.

The inventory of my memories, which I have been obsessing over for quite some time, is reaching its climax. I have been reminded recently that it is in old records and old histories that new discoveries can be made. But It could be the same if it were about me. Because I can’t help but smile when I see a young girl living single-mindedly on the screen. I can’t believe that I have lived my whole life without knowing about her, who is surrounded by light and exists as love itself. I can’t believe that I have been wearing the answer that she will walk around thinking that she will never find it no matter where she looks for it in the future since she was actually born. It’s so funny and pathetic, but I’m a mean adult, so I’ll keep quiet about it for a while.

I took out a particularly shining memory and looked at it. It was a winter day not so long ago. There I was, a young me, crying alone on the plane, anxious and lonely, with no place to go. And I know now that the sunrise she saw from the window was so beautiful that it turned the world upside down. When I think about it, maybe one of the reasons I love winter is that I can recognize the warmth of warm things.

 

01.2022

Looking up at the sky during a few clear days, I saw a flock of swans flying by. My spine stiffens at the icy beginning. Blaming everything on the cold, I closed all doors. In this way, I consciously cut myself off from the outside world and thought about some winter used to be like. There must have been a time that I spent next to someone, but now I can hardly remember anything. I am always standing alone in a landscape that remains a vivid memory. Sometimes, I ask myself if I am lonely, just to be sure. The answer is always vague, and the me in the mirror just looks at me as if to say that I left such a feeling long ago and far away.

As a result, I’m one step closer to getting where I want to be with another big exam. I laughed with a sigh. Now she is sure, once again, that a closed winter where she can immerse herself in solitude really has benefits.

I still can’t stop playing with my body, experimenting with it, trying this and that. Human beings, and women, in particular, have many interesting functions. When I look at each of them from a bird’s eye view, I can’t help but feel a sense of mystery.

Using such a body filled with wonder, I play with fate. When a surprising chemical reaction occurs, I am so amused that I find myself shouting out loud with delight. However, when I think about it calmly, I feel that everything was predetermined from the beginning and I am just dancing on the scenario that God wrote for me. It’s so elaborate that I am always just being misled. If It is so. Even if it is so. It might not be a bad idea to live my life as a puppet to be manipulated in a good way. Because I am just a clown.

 

12.2021

No matter how skilled one is a living, this month is always struggling with its hectic pace. For me, living clumsily as if I had been branded as immature by God, means that I can barely stand up straight. In the midst of all the changes that are occurring in the conventional wisdom, I have been running with all my might, destroying every concept of every phenomenon. Even if the road in front of me was only as thick as a rope. I had no choice but to run, believing that I would make it over there.

As I lived my life under such tension, I made a small but certain vow to myself. For a moment, I asked myself if it would be foolish to take the trouble to give shape to my resolution, but I quickly dismissed that thought. It’s okay. I’m sure this will shine like an innocent eye and protect me with its light at any time.

That’s how I decided to wear the stone that means “eternal love” at all times. When I hold it up to the light to look at it, I notice that my fingertips are numb from exposure to the outside air. Winter always finds a way to snuggle up to me, to wrap me up, to take away the excess heat from my body.

Undoubtedly, this world is constructed by myself. My whole body is filled with events that are so hard to believe, but at the same time, I have to admit it. After repeated hypotheses and verifications, I came to the conclusion that I had to trust my intuition. All things in the forest are connected, and if I change, the world will change. For those of me who live with a strong sense of responsibility, this may be a premise that makes us shudder.

However, I should not discard the possibility that this is entirely premature. The truth of the “truth” is that just when I am convinced that it is almost there, but escapes like an illusion. I must not be careless. In the end, the days will probably continue to be unpredictable, but at this point, it was a year of good living. For now, let’s just call it that.

 

11.2021

Every time I go outside and let the fresh air pass through my body, I can feel the coldness deepening. Like every year, I don’t even know when autumn arrives, and this year also, it was about to leave before I knew it.

Questions lead to more questions, and as always, I am tossed about by my own curiosity. One of my greatest happiness is that I can now see the practical application of the knowledge I have acquired. It is clear to me that the new things and the old things are always inextricably linked, that I am connected to others, and that it is wise not to exceed the limits of anything. All I have to do is refine my work, increasing the frequency of circulation, believing that every problem can be solved. In the long run, this world may have nothing but fun in store for me.

No matter what the context is, changing the environment means changing the position I am in. When I encounter situations in which I observe the world from a different perspective, I sometimes feel as if I am recovering a foreshadowing that my past self had put in place. It’s a moment when I realize that everything has a meaning and that nothing is ever wasted.

There have been countless times in my past when I wanted to hit my head so hard and forget about it. There was a time when I cursed everything in the world and just lived every day like I was crushed, and there was a time when it was so hard that I thought even my tears had dried up. Now that I am dreaming of meeting the person I was back then, I know what I would like to say to my past self. No matter how painful it is, it’s okay. No matter how painful it is, don’t worry, because that pain will be transformed into strength and kindness, and you can return it for the world as love.

 

10.2021

I walk on the soft carpet of dry leaves, haul into the thread of fate. With each I step forward, the sunlight seems to grow more delicate. I wonder if I am able to capture the expression of autumn that has come before I know it, that is not just loneliness.

Recently, I have come to the realization that living for myself will in turn benefit others. The more I love myself, the more the world will respond and overflow with love. No matter where I am or what I am doing, I can always get what I want if I walk out with a strong desire for it. It is often a feeling that cannot be verbalized, and there is no conviction of it. However, sometimes there is an occasion when the results of what I have been accumulating are so obvious to everyone. I am always genuinely surprised by these unexpected moments. It is a stimulus to the daily grind of digesting tasks, and in some cases, it can be a kind of catalyst.

The days of letting go, as if I were suffering from some kind of disease, continue to this day. The things that I used to feel the need for for a long while. Whenever I face each of them sincerely and make a decision, my concentration increases proportionally. I take as much responsibility as I can for everything that happens to me. It’s a process of testing my fate with a little courage on my side. It’s interesting because I used to be afraid of it, but now I enjoy it so much.

Maybe during I walked lightly and danced, I am sure that my breath would turn white. So this year, too, I will welcome the fragile and lovely cold.

 

09.2021

I think about the approaching autumn while the signs of summer have not left here yet. Before I know it, I am standing in between the seasons again. The unseen changes are not limited to the outside air. How many times have I recently experienced something that was common knowledge before I closed my eyes last night, only to wake up this morning to find that it had vanished without a trace? And when did I learn how to just accept things as they are? If this is what I mean by “growing up,” then maybe it really is. Because I have, in fact, grown another year older.

It’s been a while since I started walking based on a certain guideline. Up until then, I had chosen and decided everything for myself. I had always thought that this would always be the case. It’s true that this is a fact that lives on in me to this day.

But at the same time, I am just walking along, guided by the light, as if my own will did not exist there. When was the first time I became aware of this? What the light shows me and what I choose always coincide. At first, I even felt scared that this was not a coincidence. Sometimes I still find myself asking myself from time to time, “Is this really what I want?” Even if how much I ask, the light is always quiet and only illuminates the destination.

 

08.2021

While closing my eyes with mind-numbing heat, I set about two tasks that were important to me. I guess, a few years ago, I would never have imagined such an adjective as “important” being used as the preposition. It was a short-term challenge with certain unexpectedness to it. I carried out it in secret and ended in a way that brought each of the issues to a conclusion. What is different from usual is that these challenges, even more than usual, do not ask whether the outcome is good or bad. I even found it amusing, but the “unexpected challenge” had an “unexpected ending”.

Every time I do something like that, I realize that I am inexplicably clumsy in my approach to things. Needless to say, this has always been the case. Once I’ve set my sights on a target, I have to face it until I’m exhausted. In the end, that’s what I love about myself. I know that, too. However, I sometimes daydream, fleetingly, that I could use my body “better” at least a little bit more. Sadly, always when I think like that in a corner of my head, it is already almost empty.

In general, “growth” depends largely on relative evaluation. In other words, it’s not often that I can actually feel it for myself. The exception to this is when I have recorded information about myself from a certain point of observation.

I have never started anything with that in mind, but I have had many instances where I have been able to see things that way as a result. To work steadily and accumulate little by little. And when I compare the trajectory of these works from one point to another, I feel incredibly sweet. The days of running out of breath do not last forever. Whenever I stop to catch my breath, it is always the calm records left by my past self that save me. They are the evidence of my struggle to eliminate all other intentions in the face of facts and reality. Not for anyone else, but as a sign that I tried to love myself. So, I’m sure that this will someday.

 

07.2021

The summer came. I forgot to breathe because of the too heat, but I continued to study with its concentration. When I’m crazy about something, I am away from the world like the stereo volume down. It has been my habit from before. Others sometimes say, “You are out of the world,” but I’ve ridiculed myself that it may have come from this.

In doing so, I read several books to block noise and deepen my knowledge of a particular field. I only read what is called a “masterpiece”, so every time I read it, I put pressure on my body. I heard the rippling sound of my heart noisy, and my hands shook. Sophisticated things always give a shock to my brain. And people can easily revolutionize their lives by doing this anytime, over and over again. I think so I can’t stop learning. I’m sure it works for me as some kind of drug.

One day, I received the result of the actions, and I was relieved that the sadness I was afraid of did not come. At the same time, I felt the inevitability of everything. There was a kind of make sense that only I could understand, and I just accepted it calmly and as it was.

Things that “look” like having the exact opposite elements. I’ve always assumed that each of them is out of reach. However, as I continue walking, I find that all of them are back-to-back. Just as day and night come alternately, or as does exist a shadow because of the light. And someday, right and wrong will surely melt into the sea of ​​concepts and disappear. -Ah, the world I’m looking at with a calm gaze is always stunningly beautiful.

 

06.2021

I listened to the continuous rain and filled my lungs with melancholy air. I watched the beautiful flowers that live with the rain, while I felt as if my body had become heavier due to the humidity.

It’s been a while since I started doing some things, taking advantage of the situation where I couldn’t go outside. If I look closely, they’re all just what I used to look away from. It doesn’t matter if I polish the vessel that holds the beautiful soul. It’s been a long time since I forgave myself like that, but I laughed unintentionally because it was physically painful, as if it was a reaction that I had ignored until recently. However, I wrapped up even the pain with love and came to accept it as my own. What would I think if the past me looked at the present myself?

At this time of year, there is a person who I always remember. And I still remember clearly that the day when he began to illuminate us not as human beings but as the light itself, the season was the rainy season, but it was the clear sky as a joke. For me, there aren’t many examples of what “thing, I don’t want to forget” and “thing, I can’t forget” match. So far, this may be the only thing in which each of the emotions and sensations at that time still remains as touch and temperature, and every time I open the door of my memory, I cry reflexively.

On the flip side of the coin. No, that’s why. I wonder if it will rain at this time of year. It is forgiveness from heaven for the feelings of a small human being who wants to hide her sorrow in the gray sky and let her suffering flow into the water. If I accept it obediently and accept my weaknesses and fragility, I’m sure I will be stronger than before it started to rain. And by the time the sun shows up, I’m sure I can start walking again. So please, only for now.

 

05.2021

I was sick several times in response to the sky that could not decide where to go. Everything I get with my five senses is full of summer and I’m totally confused, but without being able to use it as an excuse, I took on one big challenge. It was the task of selecting and arranging the necessary items one by one. I continued to wear my nerves while taking a stance that did not allow a little carelessness or even a small compromise. But It didn’t pay, and things only went as slowly as walking in the water. I was annoyed, then I came out of the water in want of oxygen and as I gasped, taking air into my lungs. And I remembered that I was struggling alone in this place 10 years ago.

Before I started this task, there was a moment when I was a little scared. Because I might burn out if this was done. But, even if. Even so, if it has means to challenge, the answer is only one. I remember that I made up my mind. But when it was over, it was not a big deal. I just had my breathing back to normal speed, and I calmly saw the next goal.

It was 10 years ago that I realized: “I have to make something that I really wanted by myself”. And the difference between those days and now is whether it is “the one who will pick up various things from now on” or “the one who has thrown away various things”. I have no intention of looking back on the last 10 years. Rather, the result will say for itself, even if I keep silent. So I don’t say anything. Even with the same zero, the quality is different.

I take photos while going back and forth between my mother tongue and some foreign languages. I noticed that every day is just a repetition. In other words, I have been touching “language” all the time I realized. The only difference between the two is whether to read, write, speak or see. When I’m writing words, I’m encouraged by their strength, and when I’m watching the image, I’m rescued by its softness. If I’m about to surrender to one of the forces, I can escape to the other. It may be a sly lifehack. However, on the other hand, I am also impressed that I have become better at maneuvering myself. So this is okay.

As I take a walk, I feel the trees growing up at an invisible speed. Surely, even little by little. Now, summer is coming again this year.

 

04.2021

I started the thing that I was waiting for a chance for a long time. It’s a habit of occurring a small revolution in myself every day. Every time I memorize something, I feel like sparks are scattered in my brain. I would like to praise myself who said: “I have to do this now.”, but the days go by without the time to immerse myself in the lingering sound.

I am aware that it is my advantage to always try my best to tackle anything. But at the same time, it can be a weak point. After all, I am so extreme. I am like a car in that its accelerator can only be fully opened, and the brakes are not applied from the beginning. I often lose control of myself because I only have the option of “keep running” from the moment it ships until it runs out of fuel.

And then I was out of breath like that, I was surprised to look around. Because the flowers, which have been in full bloom, have completely changed their appearance to young leaves. So, I would be no match for them. I am amazed at their sophisticated change, and my immaturity. In the first place, human beings can’t win over nature. While quietly admitting my defeat, I took a deep breath and breathed in new air with the signs of the leaving spring. To continue running farther and farther.

In proportion to deepening learning about my mother tongue and foreign language, I had more time to think about the concept of “distance”. Interestingly, the rule that “distance to the other person affects intimacy” seems to be common sense at least in some languages. The term “distance” here mainly refers to something mental, and the words to be used for the others are selected or the way of speaking is changed accordingly. I have a thing that I thought: “Aha, I see… okay, I understood.”

In general, it is a virtue to share everything in human relationships, especially if they have a close relationship, and I think there is a tendency that the closer they are to the other person, it’s better. But in my personal opinion, this is a very annoying way of thinking. Like I am gonna vomit.

From the person who has a borderline that like nobody should enter from here onward, those who try to invade it are only enemies. Often, a fool with a phantom feeling of wanting to know everything about the other person will eventually lose respect for the other person. And that is nothing but a signal that one relationship is over.

Therefore, For me, a “distance” is an essential element for an object to maintain its beauty. It’s arrogant if I was disappointed with the texture of the dry rocks when I approached a mountain that I saw from a distance and felt beautiful. By the way, this is a warning to me. I want to be a person who can gracefully take out a ruler that can measure it properly from my chest at any time without losing sight of the appropriate distance.

 

03.2021

When I look at my feet, new shoots are peeking out from under the melted snow. When I look overhead, the cherry blossoms inform the arrival of spring. Some things will end at a calm, at the same time other things will start. Every time I feel such a point in the smell of the wind, I am glad that there are seasons.

Then, while I am looking for a place where my heart can go, I put an end to some personal issues. The wall that surrounded me for a long time. It was too high, too hard, so I didn’t even touch it because I thought that I would live inside it forever. So, maybe it was just the spring’s work.

Once I decided, I didn’t hesitate. I took a deep breath, grabbed my fist, swung it, and hit it head-on. The wall broke easily. I was surprised because it was too light, but I noticed. – This wall was waiting to be broken by me. I was looking at the debris that was fluttering by the wind, I thought that it was definitely the case. Ah, …I still have space to be free.

Emotional people are grotesque, even if they have whatever reasons. So I don’t want to lose my calm whenever. Then, I thought about what I enjoy and prefer. I think they all have filters made under the same policies. The attraction lies in the process. First, the act of putting a piece of paper on the way contains a terrifying charm. Not only that, the paper cools the excess heat, and dirty things get caught by it and don’t fall off, so it’s great. Besides, the time to wait for the liquid to drip drop by drop is also beautiful.

Okay, the conditions are aligned. How close can I be to an “able paper” that suppresses my desires and feelings and extracts the results I need.

 

02.2021

While being made a fool of by the whims of the earth, I walked on the border between warm and cold. But winter was strong. I lost to the wind what like attacks my cheeks. It drove away from the spring that showed its glimpse, and the days of hesitating to go out continued. As a result, I let go of many things. I made a ruthless decision to things that used to be part of me. I believe that every time one of those left my hand, I will be free to take a step closer. Then, I wondered how many farewells I confronted. If I am still me even if I throw everything away, what does uniqueness mean? If the fact that I existed remains in someone’s memory – or somewhere in the record even if this body decays, what is the border between alive and death?

Sometimes I dream of people who I will probably never meet again. I wake up and look at the ceiling, I notice it was a dream, and then I close my eyes again. They were so near me that I could touch them. I reflect them on the back of my eyelids once again. Then I steep myself in the hopeful resignation. When did I realize that I don’t feel relatively lonely? Perhaps it was triggered by someone pointed out, but I have perfectly forgotten it. But I guess this may be the reason. Because I can meet them whenever I hope. Sometimes it’s much more in the form of beautiful than reality.

 

01.2021

White. People often use this color to indicate that something has not yet been dyed in any color. Moreover, as a favorable meaning. I’ve used that color to describe a lot of things, just like that. Until I witnessed the sight of the white dyeing everything.

I forgot that because I hadn’t heard the sound of snowing for a while, I could get it in exchange for all the sounds that exist in this world. Crying, laughing, and screaming were sucked into the snow as if they didn’t exist from the beginning. I was scared because I couldn’t resist it, and I wondered why the snow is such white. And as soon as I found the answer, I remembered. In the world of light, it is always white that is created after all the colors are mixed. And its strength to erase everything.

Compared to before, I correctly can love myself in much more detail. But ironically, in proportion to that, the greed of human beings is highlighted. I looked down and stopped, listing a number of issues that were still happening somewhere. Entangled in my mind of ​​”what equality is”, I sometimes get stuck in this way. Especially lately, I’ve been conscious of things that are out of my reach, so there is no end. When will I learn that the desire to save someone else is nothing more than self-righteousness?

The solutions already got and I just won’t forget them. To do not aim for perfection. To know that perfection is impossible. It would be great if I could do something this year than last year, and today than yesterday. My legs, which had stopped, started to work again. So I just look ahead and walk. Until the world falls asleep.

 

12.2020

Before the world is confused, I changed the place where I live. I might should say “I’m back”, to the land where I spent 10 years 10 years ago. Naturally, I remember what I was thinking about what at that time. I believed that if I move away from here and change the circumstances, something will change at the same time. There is nothing here, but elsewhere at least not here, I’m sure there’s something special, something I hope,  so, so I am…

There was a city where I moved and lived with that in mind, but my shadow followed me wherever I went. When I was walking between the buildings and I looked up at the gray sky at the same time I felt that “I’m nothing”, the shadow had so dark at my feet that I was about to be swallowed by it. When I was so crying that the scenery from the taxi window was about to be melted and blurred,  the shadow became so thin at my feet that it was about to be almost disappeared. My shadow was whenever just quiet and changing the contrast like that.

Then, 10 years have passed. Now I’m just here as “I” and ended trying to separate the shadow from me. I can be said it that I gave up or I accepted. At my feet now, shined by the light of my own future, there is always a shadow of my own past. That’s fine. I just stand, walk, and I do beautiful work no matter where I am. If I can only exert my strength under limited conditions, it’s a fake no matter what. To put it the other way, an authentic person is always authentic, no matter where I am or who I am.

There was a time when I was tying myself like I was trying not to hurt anyone, and at the same time, I was trying not to get hurt by anyone. I believed that if I’m wearing the armor of justice, I would be able to protect everything someday, but the armor that was supposed to be perfect, whether I judged anyone or someone judged me, was always broken.

I can’t remember the moment I took off the armor anymore. But at some point, I decided to live naked. After all, I noticed it was hurt somewhere in my body, and what is different from the past is that I gradually became able to love that hurt too. Even if a little blood comes out, it will heal someday, so it’s okay. Even if there are scars left, I can love them. So I’m not afraid of anything anymore. I will be stronger, gentler, and more beautiful than now. I inhale deeply and deeply and I exhale deeply and deeply, then I stand majestically. To I save everything with love.

 

11.2020

I watched the leaves changing color and continuing to fall. I was afraid that the trees that were tossed by the summer, which was too short and too hot, would go crazy, but it ended in a melancholy. How many times have I ever realized that what looks delicate is actually strong?

Whenever I really focus on something, the sound disappears from the world, like a signal. It is the moment when only my will remains in the clear air and light and I have to confront myself inevitably. As I continued to exert my tense concentration, I made a number of decisions. Then, as soon as I hear the sound of the future moving with my own hands, I regain consciousness. There is no hesitation or regret. I can do it. So it’s okay.

There was no particular resistance to the “new lifestyle”, and I love my way of adapting. The flexibility that suits the times is pleasant to see even if it is possessed by others. A too famous philosopher said that “despair” is a deadly disease. I don’t argue with that. I think the difficulty is to keep the paired “hope” convincing. In a sense, now that everyone in the world is equally unlucky, it’s hard to get in the way of keeping an eye on a bright future. All I need is steady training. In order not to lose sight of the unwavering preciousness hidden in daily life in any situation. Everything is at the mercy of fate.

 

10.2020

I spent a lot of time organizing a huge amount of paperwork and photos about myself. I picked up my own pieces scattered all over the place and put them together. Then, I was surprised that I had written and left much more diary than I had expected now. When I opened the drawer that I had left for a long time in an old chest of drawers and found a kaleidoscope-I think people would feel like this. Whenever I look into it, it keeps changing its expression and it doesn’t make me bored. And the memories are beautiful because they look back from time to time. I was nostalgic when I traced the names of the people I used to be close to and the places I visited frequently. The place where I once spent a lot of time became a harbor that warmly welcomed me whenever I returned, in proportion to the energy I spent on it.

On the other hand, I remembered the monsters that once threatened me. They told me when I was young, “Youth is the absolute value, and you are beautiful because it contains it.” After ten years, I have now proved that it was sophistry. So listen, all the ugly monsters. Son of a bitch. No matter what aspect of my life I cut out, there is no unnecessary time in my past. And now I’m completely on top of what I have built up. People don’t change so easily. Or rather, they can’t. Even if they sometimes want it.

At every stage of my life, I have the pride of living with people and things that can be said to be special to me at that time. And that (of course) becomes more pronounced as I get older. On the contrary, these days, in addition to building my own history, I also love the path that someone else has already taken. That’s why I also want to make something that is meaningful to leave and protect what is worth leaving. It’s a thing that they usually wear so casually that they forget even its importance, but when they realize they need to let go, they don’t want to let go. Or, it’s a thing that they can’t just throw it away no matter how many times they move. It’s a thing that the true value of it appears in the important phase.

 

09.2020

When I noticed, I was looking up at the sky, and every time I looked up at the sky, I followed the cirrocumulus with my eyes. The beginning of autumn is probably the season when everyone is worried about that loneliness. As proof of that, I can immediately list a number of works bearing the name of “September” just by coming up with them. Ironically, I was born in such a month, and I got older.

To put it bluntly, I think it was a break that focused on studying foreign languages. It’s the fear of forgetting the words that I should have learned before, from the moment I learn a new word. It’s frustrating that I can’t tell the other person what I want to say. It’s despair similar to giving up, saying that no matter how much I study, I can’t call it fluent. I guess learning a language other than my mother tongue is like carrying on that kind of frustration and continuing to scoop the sand with my own palm. But I’m a fool, so I can’t forget it. That day, I saw a strikingly shining little grain in the sand that fell from the side I saved as if all the meanings that were born were manifested there. When I thought I saw it at a glance, it passed between my fingers and never returned. I want to see that brilliance with my own eyes only once again. That’s why I continue to scoop sand alone in the desert today without drinking water.

I have always hated naming relationships between me and others, let alone classifying them as if they were to be displayed on shelves. (Furthermore, there are still people trying to get closer to me, waving a frameset by someone like that, and it’s really annoying). I think that people who believe that they can “understand” each other even though they have different genetic information are crazy. Because, for me, “love” means accepting the other person as it is, without denying it even if I do not understand the other person. And every time I breathe, I wonder what “common sense” is. Isn’t it “common sense” to always be aware that what is natural for someone can always be abnormal for someone else (and vice versa)? So… it’s nothing. So just we are we.

 

08.2020

For the last few months, I have been working on the output of my own voice that is ringing inside me. As a result, this summer was too short. The changes in my own values over the last few months have been such that my life has been repeated. That’s how much changed for me. And I gradually began to understand what I really needed. That is if so, everything is just. Perhaps this is what I feel when I look at the little things left on the beach after the tide has gone.

I have a thing that I remember clearly. “In the end, people can only express what they see as they see it,” the moment I truly realized. Fortunately or unfortunately that day, all my “enemy” disappeared from this world, leaving me alone. I was struck with just the same amount of heat from the hopes and despair of each half, and irritated by the contradictory feelings, I resented the existence of the god who gave the proposition, “Prove that this world is beautiful.” We must seek all the truth in the dark and keep showing it to the world, while at the same time taking all of its responsibilities. Isn’t it called punishment? But I understood that such a question was already empty. Because no matter how If I do anything, I already can’t go back to the world I was in before I even noticed “it”.

Make or break, dead or alive. If so, there is no choice but to do it. It’s reasonable. If the thing I receive with my five senses is beautiful, especially when the scenery I observe is beautiful, and I am beautiful, it can be proof that “this world is beautiful”. What is needed is to continue raising the “zero” level. At least at now, that’s all I need.