When I noticed, I was looking up at the sky, and every time I looked up at the sky, I followed the cirrocumulus with my eyes. The beginning of autumn is probably the season when everyone is worried about that loneliness. As proof of that, I can immediately list a number of works bearing the name of “September” just by coming up with them. Ironically, I was born in such a month, and I got year older.
To put it bluntly, I think it was a break that focused on studying foreign languages. It’s the fear of forgetting the words that I should have learned before, from the moment I learn a new word. It’s frustrating that I can’t tell the other person what I want to say. It’s a despair similar to giving up, saying that no matter how much I study, I can’t call it fluent. I guess learning a language other than my mother tongue is like carrying on that kind of frustration and continuing to scoop the sand with my own palm. But I’m a fool, so I can’t forget it. That day, I saw a strikingly shining little grain in the sand that fell from the side I saved, as if all the meanings that were born were manifested there. When I thought I saw it at a glance, it passed between my fingers and never returned. I want to see that brilliance with my own eyes only once again. That’s why I continue to scoop sand alone in the desert today without drinking water.
I have always hated naming relationships between me and others, let alone classifying them as if they were to be displayed on shelves. (Furthermore, there are still people trying to get closer to me, waving a frame set by someone like that, and it’s really annoying). I think that people who believe that they can “understand” each other even though they have different genetic information are crazy. Because, for me, “love” means accepting the other person as it is, without denying it even if I do not understand the other person. And every time I breathe, I wonder what “common sense” is. Isn’t it “common sense” to always be aware that what is natural for someone can always be abnormal for someone else (and vice versa)? So… it’s nothing. So just we are we.
For the last few months, I have been working on the output of my own voice that is ringing inside me. As a result, this summer was too short. The changes in my own values over the last few months have been such that my life has been repeated. That’s how much changed for me. And I gradually began to understand what I really needed. That is, if so, everything is just. Perhaps this is what I feel when I look at the little things left on the beach after the tide has gone.
I have a thing what I remember clearly. “In the end, people can only express what they see as they see it,” the moment I truly realized. Fortunately or unfortunately that day, all my “enemy” disappeared from this world, leaving me alone. I was struck with just the same amount of heat from the hopes and despairs of each half, and irritated by the contradictory feelings, I resented the existence of the god who gave the proposition, “Prove that this world is beautiful.” We must seek all the truth in the dark and keep showing it to the world, while at the same time taking all of its responsibilities. Isn’t it called punishment? But I understood that such a question was already empty. Because no matter how If I do anything, I already can’t go back to the world I was in before I even noticed “it”.
Make or break, dead or alive. If so, there is no choice but to do it. It’s reasonable. If the thing what I receive with my five senses is beautiful, especially when the scenery I observe is beautiful, and I am a beautiful, it can be proof that “this world is beautiful”. What is needed is to continue raising the “zero” level. At least at now, that’s all I need.
2020 © Nao Umezawa