12.2020
Before the world is confused, I changed the place where I live. I might say “I’m back”, to the land where I spent 10 years, 10 years ago. Naturally, I remember what I was thinking about what at that time. I believed that if I move away from here and change the circumstances, something will change at the same time. There is nothing here, but elsewhere at least not here, I’m sure there’s something special, something I hope, so, so I am…
There was a city where I moved and lived with that in mind, but my shadow followed me wherever I went. When I was walking between the buildings and I looked up at the gray sky at the same time I felt that “I’m nothing”, the shadow had so dark at my feet that I was about to be swallowed by it. When I was so crying that the scenery from the taxi window was about to be melted and blurred, the shadow became so thin at my feet that it was about to almost disappear. My shadow was whenever just quiet and changing the contrast like that.
Then, 10 years passed. Now I’m just here as “I” and ended up trying to separate the shadow from me. It can be said that I gave up or I accepted. At my feet now, shined by the light of my own future, there is always a shadow of my own past. That’s fine. I just stand, walk, and I do beautiful work no matter where I am. If I can only exert my strength under limited conditions, it’s a fake no matter what. To put it the other way, an authentic person is always authentic, no matter where I am or who I am.
There was a time when I was tying myself like I was trying not to hurt anyone, and at the same time, I was trying not to get hurt by anyone. I believed that if I’m wearing the armor of justice, I would be able to protect everything someday, but the armor that was supposed to be perfect, whether I judged anyone or someone judged me, was always broken.
I can’t remember the moment I took off the armor anymore. But at some point, I decided to live naked. After all, I noticed it was hurt somewhere in my body, and what is different from the past is that I gradually became able to love that hurt too. Even if a little blood comes out, it will heal someday, so it’s okay. Even if there are scars left, I can love them. So I’m not afraid of anything anymore. I will be stronger, gentler, and more beautiful than now. I inhale deeply and deeply and I exhale deeply and deeply, then I stand majestically. To I save everything with love.
11.2020
I watched the leaves change color and continue to fall. I was afraid that the trees that were tossed by the summer, which was too short and too hot, would go crazy, but it ended in a melancholy. How many times have I ever realized that what looks delicate is actually strong?
Whenever I really focus on something, the sound disappears from the world, like a signal. It is the moment when only my will remains in the clear air and light and I have to confront myself inevitably. As I continued to exert my tense concentration, I made a number of decisions. Then, as soon as I hear the sound of the future moving with my own hands, I regain consciousness. There is no hesitation or regret. I can do it. So it’s okay.
There was no particular resistance to the “new lifestyle”, and I love my way of adapting. The flexibility that suits the times is pleasant to see even if it is possessed by others. A too famous philosopher said that “despair” is a deadly disease. I won’t argue with that. I think the difficulty is to keep the paired “hope” convincing. In a sense, now that everyone in the world is equally unlucky, it’s hard to get in the way of keeping an eye on a bright future. All I need is steady training. In order not to lose sight of the unwavering preciousness hidden in daily life in any situation. Everything is at the mercy of fate.
10.2020
I spent a lot of time organizing a huge amount of paperwork and photos of myself. I picked up my own pieces scattered all over the place and put them together. Then, I was surprised that I had written and left much more diary than I had expected. When I opened the drawer that I had left for a long time in an old chest of drawers and found a kaleidoscope-I think people would feel like this. Whenever I look at it, it keeps changing its expression and it doesn’t make me bored. And the memories are beautiful because they look back from time to time. I was nostalgic when I traced the names of the people I used to be close to and the places I visited frequently. The place where I once spent a lot of time became a harbor that warmly welcomed me whenever I returned, in proportion to the energy I spent on it.
On the other hand, I remembered the monsters that once threatened me. They told me when I was young, “Youth is the absolute value, and you are beautiful because it contains it.” After ten years, I have now proved that it was sophistry. So listen, all the ugly monsters. Son of a bitch. No matter what aspect of my life I cut out, there is no unnecessary time in my past. And now I’m completely on top of what I have built up. People don’t change so easily. Or rather, they can’t. Even if they sometimes want it.
At every stage of my life, I have pride in living with people and things that can be said to be special to me at that time. And that (of course) becomes more pronounced as I get older. On the contrary, these days, in addition to building my own history, I also love the path that someone else has already taken. That’s why I also want to make something that is meaningful to leave and protect what is worth leaving. It’s a thing that they usually wear so casually that they forget even its importance, but when they realize they need to let go, they don’t want to let go. Or, it’s a thing that they can’t just throw it away no matter how many times they move. It’s a thing that the true value of it appears in the important phase.
09.2020
When I noticed, I was looking up at the sky, and every time I looked up at the sky, I followed the cirrocumulus with my eyes. The beginning of autumn is probably the season when everyone is worried about that loneliness. As proof of that, I can immediately list a number of works bearing the name “September” just by coming up with them. Ironically, I was born in such a month, and I got older.
To put it bluntly, I think it was a break that focused on studying foreign languages. It’s the fear of forgetting the words that I should have learned before, from the moment I learn a new word. It’s frustrating that I can’t tell the other person what I want to say. It’s despair similar to giving up, saying that no matter how much I study, I can’t call it fluent. I guess learning a language other than my mother tongue is like carrying on that kind of frustration and continuing to scoop the sand with my own palm. But I’m a fool, so I can’t forget it. That day, I saw a strikingly shining little grain in the sand that fell from the side I saved as if all the meanings that were born were manifested there. When I thought I saw it at a glance, it passed between my fingers and never returned. I want to see that brilliance with my own eyes only once again. That’s why I continue to scoop sand alone in the desert today without drinking water.
I have always hated naming relationships between me and others, let alone classifying them as if they were to be displayed on shelves. (Furthermore, there are still people trying to get closer to me, waving a frameset by someone like that, and it isn’t very pleasant). I think that people who believe that they can “understand” each other even though they have different genetic information are crazy. Because, for me, “love” means accepting the other person as it is, without denying it even if I do not understand the other person. And every time I breathe, I wonder what “common sense” is. Isn’t it “common sense” to always be aware that what is natural for someone can always be abnormal for someone else (and vice versa)? So… it’s nothing. So just we are we.
08.2020
For the last few months, I have been working on the output of my own voice that is ringing inside me. As a result, this summer was too short. The changes in my own values over the last few months have been such that my life has been repeated. That’s how much changed for me. And I gradually began to understand what I really needed. That is if so, everything is just. Perhaps this is what I feel when I look at the little things left on the beach after the tide has gone.
I have a thing that I remember clearly. “In the end, people can only express what they see as they see it,” was the moment I truly realized. Fortunately or unfortunately that day, all my “enemies” disappeared from this world, leaving me alone. I was struck with just the same amount of heat from the hopes and despair of each half, and irritated by the contradictory feelings, I resented the existence of the god who gave the proposition, “Prove that this world is beautiful.” We must seek all the truth in the dark and keep showing it to the world, while at the same time taking all of its responsibilities. Isn’t it called punishment? But I understood that such a question was already empty. Because no matter how I do anything, I already can’t go back to the world I was in before I even noticed “it”.
Make or break, dead or alive. If so, there is no choice but to do it. It’s reasonable. If the thing I receive with my five senses is beautiful, especially when the scenery I observe is beautiful, and I am beautiful, it can be proof that “this world is beautiful”. What is needed is to continue raising the “zero” level. At least now, that’s all I need.